In most countries, this week is dedicated to raising awareness around maternal mental
health. It is estimated that up to 1 in 4 women are affected by clinically significant perinatal
mood and anxiety disorders and many more experience less severe symptoms of poor
mental health. As a mum myself, this subject is very close to my heart, so I thought I would
get a little personal with my followers and share some of my top practices which help me
care for my mental health.
Before I start, I just want to share that yes, I am a therapist, and on the daily I churn out
upliftment and promote self-care and self-compassion for all my clients, however, please
note that this does not mean that I have it all together all the time. I believe one of the best
ways for me to look after myself is to firstly be okay with not being okay. There are times
when I feel as a mum, a therapist, a wife, and a woman I am killing it with the balanced
goals of life and then there are other times when I’m burnt out, irritable, tired, and stressed
out. This is life. We have ups and downs and need to ride the highs and the lows. The less I
obsess about the lows the quicker they pass. They are also my cue to look at what is not
working in my life currently. To be honest sometimes the lows are purely hormonal or even
just my body, my mind and my spirit saying, ‘slow down’.
There are times however when I can feel my aura is disrupted and that’s when I start reflecting. Am I working too much? Am
I letting my little practices that keep me sane slip? Am I taking on too much or hanging
around people I don’t feel safe with? Are my boundaries too solid or too flexible? I use my
lows as a cue to check in with myself and most importantly from this reflection time make a
change. This leads me to my first tip for looking after my mental health.
1. Create time
Being a mother there are two things I have very little of- time and silence! I am sure the
mums out there are relating on a deep level. There really is just not enough time in the day
to do it all. There are a few ways that I have managed to create time for myself and
although there are still many moments where I feel like I can’t get through my very long to-
do list, these practices have helped me feel more present and on top of life’s daily tasks.
i) Wake up earlier
This one was tough as my kids are also super early risers, but now that I have gotten the
hang of it, I will never look back. My mornings are my quiet time. I cannot tell you how
much I look forward to that quiet cup of warm coffee in the morning. I use this time for
reflection, preparation, and planning. I wrap my head around the day and what it entails in
quiet, which makes it all seem that much more manageable. This may be tough for some,
but an extra 60 minutes is a lot to add to your day. The payoff will be the motive to
continue.
ii) Deleted social media
I deleted all social media apps from my phone. I cannot express how much this has done for
me in terms of creating time. Wow. Before I did this, I had no clue how much time I spent
mindlessly scrolling through social media. This was interesting for me as I always considered
myself not that present on these platforms. When you manage to cut down, you will be
surprised how unconscious the process of opening those apps really is. What I love about
this is that not only is it freeing up a lot of my time it’s also allowing me to really catch up
with people when I see them, as I know longer have a play by play of what’s been happening
in people’s lives from news feeds. I have no clue what they have been up to. I love this. It
makes seeing people that much more exciting. Yes, I may not be able to add to the
conversations about the latest trends on social media, but this is not something I miss and if
I’m interested, I will ask.
iii) Watch my commitments
I have an extremely busy life with a wonderful social and family circle. There is always so
much going on. Of course, I want myself and my family to be present at all the engagements
but unfortunately when I am doing it all, my mental health takes a huge knock and funny
enough, I see the effects of the busy-ness on my kids too. Overstimulation is real for all of
us. I try and be cautious of committing too soon to engagements and am more comfortable
with saying no when I need to. This is tough, as of course I don’t want to disappoint people
but ultimately the people that matter the most are my little ones, and I am comfortable
being uncomfortable temporarily for emotional benefits of saying no. Sometimes if it’s an
event I don’t want to miss I may pop in but allow myself to leave when I feel ready, so there
is still time to relax and desaturate at home.
With creating time in these little ways, I can spend more quiet time reflecting which leads
me to my next point.
2. Reflection time
I often use my mornings for some reflection time but my most important time for reflection
is in the evenings just as I am going to bed. I try and spend a few minutes after the long day,
when the kids are in bed and I am ready to doze off for the night, just reflecting on how the
day went, what I need to do differently tomorrow, what I am grateful for and so on. I use
this time to get to know myself, where I am at, what I may need and what I might need to
do or change to create the life I desire. It’s only in quiet that we really can connect to that
gut or inner-knowing, consciousness or God, energy for some, or however you choose to
define it. There are answers in silence. This is also where I do a short meditation to seal the
day and ease off with a calm mind to sleep. It sets the tone for the next day. All relationships
need time to evolve, and the most important relationship is our one with ourselves. It’s
through my reflection and quiet time that I invest in this relationship. This works wonders
for my mental health and when I neglect this practice, I feel the change almost immediately.
Which motivates me to reprioritize it.
3. Become comfortable with healthy change
This is one of the things that in my 30’s I have really started to take pride in. As I get older, I
have come to know myself more and I am quickly able to realize what is working for me and
what isn’t. This realization though is nothing without the ability to act, and actually make
healthy changes. Change is scary. Sometimes they are big changes, like leaving a job you
hate, or a relationship that leaves you feeling insecure. Other changes are smaller perhaps
starting an exercise regimen or focusing on a positive diet change. These changes not only
help you feel better just because you are doing them, but for me the most important part is
I begin to feel empowered. I can take control of my life and create the kind of life I need to
thrive. This can be bold, there may be naysayers and there may be self-doubt but guess
what. Nothing in life is permanent. I feel like in life we need to be okay with trying on some
different shoes and choosing the ones that fit. They might not fit forever but then you try on
new styles. Sometimes you may wear shoes that may not be working for you. But don’t get
stuck in thinking you need to commit to that shoe for life. We stop wearing shoes that even
if so pretty, give us chronic blisters. Change takes work, initially we may feel out of control
but ultimately to create the life of our wildest dreams we need to constantly evolve. I
recently came across a saying that really stuck with me ‘flow like the river, don’t hold like
the rocks’. Personally, I try and live by this. I create an environment that works for me and if
it stops working, I look at what needs changing.
4. Ask for help
People often ask me how the heck I do it all and to be honest ‘I’ don’t do it all. IT TAKES A
VILLAGE!!!! Asking for help is a life skill that so many of us just don’t learn. Why? Why do we
feel we need to do it all on our own? Or even worse why do we feel shame when we can’t
manage it all alone and still have a healthy state of mind. As humans we are social beings.
We are family. We need to rely on each other. If we had more of a sense of community then
perhaps there would be more time in our day and less overwhelm. I am blessed to have
learned the knack of asking for help. Even though sometimes I may be resistant I constantly
challenge that narrative. Ask for help. Sometimes it may not be available, but you may be
surprised how many people are willing to help someone who is struggling. You may feel
vulnerably but vulnerability is a strength and showing up in that vulnerability can help
others in that same bravery gravitate towards you. This is where healthy lasting loving
relationships flourish. Birds of a feather flock together.
5. Seek guidance
There are times when on my own I just cannot make sense of some things that may be going
on in my life. It’s at these times that I remain humble and seek advice. Be it from a
professional, someone who has been through something similar or just someone that I can
trust has myself and my families’ best interests at heart. Conversations are important at
these times, as it is through conversations that we may unlock another dimension to a
struggle or make a deep realization. Choose safe people to do this with. People who can
remain objective but are also able to be honest with you even if it’s about something you
may not want to hear.
As I’m writing this blog, I’m a realizing I could write on this topic for ages, but I think I will
leave it here with these five tips. Remember it’s not about getting it perfect all the time. Be
gentle with yourself. You will never be a “Stepford wife” and should not want to be. That is
not reality. There are times you will feel grounded and like you are looking after your mental
health like a champ. Stay mindful so that when you stray, and you will stray, you can quickly
bring yourself back to the calm by practicing whatever works for you. We are all different.
Find your recipe and try and stick with it.
To close I wanted to share this little meme with you. I hope it helps put some of the
pressures and expectations in perspective. P.S this person could not, ever exist, and
whoever tells you otherwise is lying
“So you’re telling me I’m supposed to keep my child alive, educate and play with them and
keep them off their tablet and TV, keep the house clean, keep my relationship alive, cook
meals and keep track of the bills, have my own career and aspirations and goals, manifest
my dream life, meditate, go out with friends and keep my friendships alive because it’s not
all about being a mum, be a size 8 and walk 10000 steps a day and workout 5 times a week
and eat healthy and do all that on four hours of sleep? Cool.”